


hold on

by NiamhM101



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Patton Angst, Suicide Attempt, i am so sorry in advance, may be triggering, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:08:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiamhM101/pseuds/NiamhM101
Summary: Surely he wasn’t really wanted....Right?Or, Patton is broken. His boyfriends find out the hard way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts
> 
> I am so so so so so so so so sorry for doing this to Patton, but ideas don’t leave me until they’re written.
> 
> I am just so sorry in advance if anyone’s reading

Patton knew they loved him; Logan, Roman, Virgil and Deceit. They wouldn’t lie about something so serious, they wouldn’t do that.

But there was always these little doubts, a little voice telling a different story.

‘But remember, how Logan would say to ignore your ideas and Roman would dismiss you and just say you were cute, and Deceit is a master of lies and Virgil doesn’t really care about you.’

Logan didn’t love him, Roman didn’t love him, Virgil didn’t care, Deceit didn’t care, not even Thomas wanted him around.

One night, when dinner had been served by the moral side, he watched the four of his loves talking and smiling and laughing.

Without him.

They probably didn’t even notice when he left, sinking down to his room. He locked the door behind him.

In one of the drawers, there was a knife, he swore he’d never use it unless things were very, truly bad.

No one else knew it was there.

‘They don’t love you anyway’.

‘Everyone will be better off without you.’

‘Do it....coward.’

‘Weak.’

‘Pathetic.’

‘Unloved.’

‘Useless.’

‘Unwanted.’

Patton cried a lot, even before he plunged the knife into his gut.

He tried not to scream too loud. He didn’t want any of the others to hear, they shouldn’t be disturbed anyway.

The moral side lay down on his bedroom floor, crying, and bleeding.

He couldn’t die, but it was always worth a try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other sides find Patton. This chapter might be triggering, I’m sorry

The others were quick to note of Patton’s absence. They may not have seen him leave but it was clear something was wrong when there wasn’t a single pun said throughout dinner.

They were worried about their boyfriend, even more worried when they tried to get into his bedroom and found the door locked.

Virgil knew right away it meant something was very, very wrong. Patton never locked his door for any reason.

Deceit could tell something was up too, he quickly instructed Roman to take the door down with his sword.

“Gladly,” Princey had replied, his sword already in his hands.

“Hold on now,” Logan said, “let’s try to think logically here.”

“We aren’t, and I don’t think our boyfriend hasn’t probably been in a lot of pain for longer than we thought,” Deceit replied.

“He’s right, for all we know Patton could be in danger,” Virgil agreed.

Logan could understand his snake boyfriend when he spoke in lies, and even if there was probably better ways to go about the situation, he was worried about Patton too.

“Do what you must,” he said at last.

When Roman’s sword sliced through the door, and he was able to see into the room, he screamed.

When Virgil saw he did more than scream: he charged through the freaking door.

“Deceit...Deceit I-I-I need you to check his pulse,” he said.

The snake didn’t hesitate to come climbing through the door after his anxious boyfriend.

He was scared but he didn’t want to show it, Virgil was close to having an anxiety attack enough as it was.

Deceit carefully pulled off one of his gloves before checking for a pulse, and he sighed in pure relief when he managed to find it.

“Is there....?” Virgil couldn’t finish the question or he might start crying.

When the snake nodded the anxious side nearly cried out of sheer relief. His boyfriend may speak in lies most of the time but at a critical moment like this he wouldn’t dare lie.

“What can we do now?” Logan asked, climbing through the door with some help from Roman.

Virgil took a moment to breathe. “We clean up this mess and go tell Thomas what happened.”

“Hold on, Panic! At The Everywhere,” Roman interrupted, taking down the rest of the door with his sword before stepping in. “What do we do about Patton first?”

“He’s right,” Logan agreed, “we need to be sure nothing like this will happen again but first, we should check the possible wound.”

Deceit sighed, carefully pulling up Patton’s blood covered shirt. In what had started as a painful open wound had now been reduced to a scar.

It’s just how things worked in the Mindscape; no one could die, only duck out and that was only hiding in their rooms.

The last time that happened was when Virgil (back when he was known as Anxiety) had ducked out.

What Patton had tried (and thank goodness it had failed) was a lot more severe and dark.

It was decided amongst the four to clean up the blood stains and take Patton down to the common room before going to have a word with their host.

It would be too much taking Patton with them, and Deceit was staying with his unconscious boyfriend just in case anything did happen.

The snake ran a gloved hand through Patton’s hair and allowed himself to cry when the others were gone.

He had failed. How could he, the master of lies, not have seen how his boyfriend was suffering?

“I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman, Virgil and Logan confront Thomas

“Thomas. We need to have a word with you,” Logan had said upon rising up into the living room.

Virgil and Roman had been quick to follow, appearing in their respective places in the corner and on the stairs.

Thomas was definitely confused, and a little concerned as to why only three of his main sides had appeared. “What’s going on? And where’s Patton?”

“Patton is why we’re here. Something....something’s happened,” Virgil answered. He sounded like he was about to cry, and honestly he didn’t care if he did.

“There was an...incident, just now,” Logan explained. “We were worried about Patton since he wasn’t acting like himself, and he locked his bedroom door, we also couldn’t rise up into it as a result.”

“We had to take down the door, and...we saw that Patton had hurt himself in a rather violent way,” Roman added.

Thomas was even more confused. “I don’t understand, guys. Can you just tell me, what-“

“Patton tried to kill himself!” Virgil snapped. “That’s what happened, okay!?”

Roman flashed his anxious boyfriend a look, but he was also silently glad the truth was now out there in the open. 

“Haven’t you been feeling weird at all lately, Thomas?”

“I mean- sorta?”

“And you didn’t think to tell us?” Virgil said.

The others knew he wasn’t mad, just shaken and scared.

“Guys, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. If I had known it was hurting Patton you know I would have said something sooner,” Thomas said.

“It’s okay, just tell us if there’s anything you’ve been doing that might have caused this,” Logan replied.

“Well I- I’ve kind of....been bottling up a lot of my feelings.”

The three sides shared concerned glances. Patton was the core of their host’s feelings and they didn’t know what kind of damage could come if these feelings weren’t being acknowledged.

“I’m going to check on Patton,” Virgil said, sinking out of the room.

“Me too,” Princey said after a moment, sinking out as well without another word.

Then it was only Logan and Thomas left.

“Hey, Logan?”

“Yes?”

“You’re not....mad at me, are you?”

Logan took too long to answer.

“I.....don’t know right now, I’ll have to get back to you at a later date.”

With that the logical side sunk out too, leaving Thomas alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to confess, this one is bad. I apologise

Virgil, Roman and Logan had regrouped with Deceit and Patton. The moral side was just starting to wake up when they had appeared.

Patton could remember being in his room with the door locked, endless amounts of pain from where the knife had been.

He didn’t imagine that he would wake up on the couch in the commons in his cat hoodie, with all four of his boyfriends surrounding him.

“Hey, puffball,” Roman said softly.

“Patton, we need to discuss your behaviour,” Logan said, not meaning to sound all harsh and business like but that’s just how his voice comes out sometimes.

“Logan,” Virgil said through gritted teeth, a tone that said ‘don’t you talk like that or I’ll be forced to kill you.’

“We’re just worried about you,” Deceit cut in, stopping the discussion from escalating into an argument.

But to everyone’s surprise, Patton didn’t believe a word of it. 

“No. You guys don’t really care, you don’t,” the moral side had said, getting up onto his feet.

“Patton, we love you. We just want to help,” Virgil insisted.

“You don’t. You don’t care, none of you do.”

He was also starting to cry, as he backed away from the ones who cared about him.

“Patton, we know what’s been going on, and we only want to make sure nothing like this happens again,” Logan explained.

“You just want to make sure everything is back to normal and that I don’t interfere with your routine, your ideas. You want me to be normal so everything goes back to normal, that’s what you all want.”

“That isn’t what we want,” Roman protested.

“I-I can’t- I can’t do this right now.” The moral side ran off before anyone could say or do anything else.

Patton locked himself in his room again, ignoring the pounding of fists against the wood.

He sunk down to the floor with his back against the door and cried.

On the other side of the door, the moral side had no idea that all four of his boyfriends were in tears as well.

If they lost him again and it was permanent, then they were done for.

Patton held them all together, he was the glue in their relationship. But while he was keeping them up he was falling down and never told anyone.

And now no one could get through to him.

Except maybe....

“Patton?”

Thomas.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end ft some fluff and hugs

Patton appeared in Thomas’ living room, unable to ignore the host.

“Hey, Patton.”

“Hi....”

“I know you’re feeling really down right now, and it’s my fault. I’ve been repressing a lot of negative feelings and I understand you’ve been suffering because of that and I’m- I’m really sorry.”

“Thomas, it’s okay-“

“No.”

The sudden change of tone startled the moral side.

“Patton, you tried to....you tried to-“ Thomas let out a choked sob. “God I can’t even finish that sentence.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Patton said softly, as his own eyes filled with tears.

“Come here, so I can hug you.”

The moral side stepped forward obediently and once he was in Thomas’ arms he lost all control.

Every single negative feeling that had been repressed was let out in that moment and Patton cried harder than he ever had before.

And Thomas held his heart, finally feeling like he could breathe again.

.......

When Patton sunk back out again to go find his boyfriends, he found the four of them fast asleep outside of his room from where they had been previously begging him to come out.

The sight of the four of them snuggled together, having let exhaustion take over, made Patton realise they did actually care.

Virgil was the first to wake up in the next few moments and when he saw Patton standing there, was instantly up on his feet (accidentally waking up everyone else too but not caring).

“Patton!” the anxious side cried out, rushing right over and pulling the moral side into an inescapable hug.

“God I was so worried about you please never do that again oh my god thank god you’re okay oh my god.” Virgil was rambling.

“I’m sorry for worrying you, for worrying all of you,” Patton said.

“We’re sorry too, for not helping sooner,” Logan replied.

“If we had known what was going on, you know we would be there,” Roman added.

Patton smiled. “I love you guys.”

“We definitely ‘don’t’ love you too,” Deceit answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I got! Thanks for reading

**Author's Note:**

> I promise promise PROMISE things WILL get better!!!


End file.
